Mother's Day: Love lost and born again

Happy Mother's Day!

Last year, I was about half-baked in my pregnancy, and I didn't feel like a mother yet. So this year was my first Mother's Day as a mama. I enjoyed snuggles, sunshine, and splashes with my sweet seven-month old. Mostly, though, my incredible husband made me feel special because IG can't quite put into words yet her love for me. Tony made me chocolate chip waffles, gave me a gift and wrote me a heartfelt note, and let me do whatever I wanted to do all day long. I had plenty of time to read and relax, and we went for a long walk in the sunshine, played in the baby pool, and enjoyed lunch out, where IG enjoyed her first ethnic food: baba ghanoush. She loved it! She's following in our footsteps quite nicely. :)

For the first time, this day was about me. Of course, moms celebrate other moms and grandmothers and other important women caregivers in their lives. But, as Tony put it yesterday, it was my day. For the first time in years, Mother's Day was a happy occasion once again! The past three have felt empty to me. I've been thankful to have a wonderful mother-in-law to celebrate with since my own mama passed in 2015, but no mother can replace your own.



I miss my mom every day. But since October, when I became a mom myself, I wish she were here more than ever. I wish she could share stories about how she raised her babies, and I wish she could give me her wisdom and support. I wish, more than anything, that IG could meet her Nana. I was lucky to see my mama become a grandmother to my nephew seven years ago, and she was amazing. But she has gained a couple more grandchildren since then that she hasn't - and won't - meet.

As a new parent in the age of digital photography, I take far too many photos of my sweet baby. But I can't stop myself - I look for pictures of myself with my mama, and there aren't enough. And there will never be a new one. So I keep snapping photos today.




I really don't mean to be a drag, and one of my great fears is that others will avoid bringing up my sweet mom to me in conversation. But I must acknowledge her absence, because that is all I have left of her.

Before I became a mother, the word "mom" automatically brought to mind my own mama's face. And that was painful to deal with after her passing. But now that I've got my own daughter, I hear the word "mom" and I think of myself. Motherhood is generational, and I'm thankful for that. One leaves us, and a new one crops up. The matriarchal circle of life, our identities are woven together. It's difficult to put into words the emptiness one feels upon losing a parent, but the new love that grows upon raising a child of our own fills part of that space. I've got a new soul to love and cherish, and I smile thinking of my love for my mom, hoping that my daughter will feel that same love for me some day.






Mother's Day is over, but I say, hug your mamas and tell them you're thankful for them and their love. Every day.

IG's Birth Story

IG turned 6 months this week! It's about time I've written the story of her entrance to this world.

Saturday, September 29
IG's due date came and went.

Sunday, October 7
At church, I felt a contraction. Then another. Then another. There weren't Braxton Hicks; they felt different: more irritating, more consistent, more noticeable. They kept coming, every 8-12 minutes, all day long. We went home, alerted my doula, and she told us to be patient, and to let her know when the contractions were 5 minutes apart.

~

Monday, October 8
Another 24 hours of the same. Consistent, fairly regular, unceasing early labor. I was getting a bit annoyed at the anticipation that wasn't amounting to anything.

~

Tuesday, October 9
More of the same. I was frustrated. Tired. Feeling slightly defeated. I decided to start my maternity leave, because I was grossly overdue anyway, and I wasn't in the mental space to teach. Brittany, my doula, told me what I had been experiencing - this extended early labor phase - was called prodromal labor.

~

Wednesday, October 10
6am. A contraction - strong - woke me up. They were strengthening, but still spaced apart. Luckily, we had had an appointment scheduled with my OB anyways, since IG was so overdue (11 days, at this point).

10 am. At the appointment, we did a "biophysical exam," which started with an ultrasound. They checked her position, activity, heartbeat, and practice breathing. They didn't see the practice breathing, but it could be because she was snoozing in utero. Next, we did a fetal monitoring test. My belly was hooked up to a machine and the doctor looked for accelerations and decelerations in her heart rate - which they didn't see. My OB checked my cervix: I was 4cm dilated. She recommended we go straight to the hospital. She wasn't concerned, but she wanted us to be monitored. I was bummed, because my goal was to labor at home, and also I was SO HUNGRY. At the hospital, they don't let you eat! How was I going to make it through labor and delivery?

12pm. We checked into the hospital, I got into a gown, and had an IV put in. We had signed papers, given homemade cookies to the nursing staff, and provided them with our birth plan. The doctor on call strode into the room after a while, insisted on checking my cervix (though the nurse had checked it just 20 minutes prior), and, against my wishes, asked me: "Would you prefer to start Pitocin, or should I break your water?" I reiterated the goals on my birth plan: unmedicated labor and birth; no Pitocin; minimal cervical checks; do not offer medical intervention unless requested... He pushed harder. I told him that my OB had wanted us to be monitored, and that she wasn't concerned. Everything was looking fine on the fetal heart rate monitor at the hospital - those accelerations and decelerations were showing now, according to my nurse. The doctor dug his heels in, and threatened: "You're putting yourself at risk for a stillbirth if we don't get your labor progressing." I burst into tears. My labor was progressing (finally)! Tony and I talked; I told him, "This is why I wanted to labor at home. So I wouldn't be pressured into a birth experience that I don't want! He can't tell me what to do with my body. The baby is not at risk!" Tony suggested we call my OB and ask if we could be discharged to labor at home. When the nurse told her the heart rate was looking right, we got her blessing to go home.

4pm. At home, I was so glad we had made the decision to leave the hospital, although my contractions were really starting to ramp up, and I was feeling anxious that I may need to turn right back around and go back to the hospital. I had a PB&J, though by now I didn't have much of an appetite. Contractions were coming closer together, but not regularly enough. Some were still 8 minutes apart, others were 6 or so. We waited.

11pm. My doula arrived. She and Tony helped me through each contraction, as they were getting stronger and closer together. After a while, I was so exhausted from laboring all day, my labor started to stall slightly. She suggested we try to get some rest. Tony and I napped in the 4-5 minute intervals between contractions.

~

Thursday, October 11

3am. I don't know how I knew, but I was ready to go to the hospital. Contractions were 3 minutes apart. Tony and I got into the car, and Brittany followed us during the 15 minute drive to the hospital. We parked, entered the hospital, and got admitted. Between the entrance and my room, I had to stop and hold on to the wall, desk, or whatever was near me. I got undressed and put on the hospital gown; I was 7cm dilated. Contractions were coming on stronger and faster. A greenhorn nurse put in my IV and must have missed a couple times - there was blood all over my arm. I hardly felt a thing though. She kept asking me to sign papers - I could hardly keep my eyes open. Finally, I raised my voice at her, "Can you wait until the contraction is over before you ask me to do things?" After that, she used Tony as a liaison.

4am. One of the benefits to being free of an epidural is that you can walk, move around, get out of bed, use the restroom, try different birthing positions, etc. You're not confined to the bed. But at this point, I'd been laboring for 21 hours and was too fatigued to take advantage of those freedoms. I did once try to use the bathroom, but the monitors on my belly went berserk. The nurses rushed me back to the bed; IG's heart rate was declining. Suddenly, an oxygen mask was being pulled over my face; I was panicked. The doctor - yes, unfortunately, the same one who had harassed me 12 hours prior - insisted on breaking my water. I resisted at first, because I was scared. He told me, "I need to put an internal monitor on the baby's head. If you don't let me, you could need an emergency C-section. I don't know what the hell is going on with your baby." As if that was going to help calm my anxieties; no, it made me even more frightened. The medical staff was telling me what to do, but not explaining why, and it made me feel powerless. My doula explained what was going on, and I accepted that having my water broken was best for baby.

5am. I could feel the warmth wash over my feet. The contractions were merciless. IG's heart rate settled and I had the oxygen mask removed. It was time to push. I felt like I was ripping in half, but it meant an end to the contractions, so I kept pushing.

5:58am. After forty-five minutes or so, I heard a doctor or a nurse say, "Here she comes. She has red hair like mom!" and then, 8lb 4oz, 20.75in IG was born!

Peep me in the background, bleeding to death :)

IGH

Eleven weeks ago, my life changed forever: my baby girl was born.

I've been meaning to sit down and write about her birth for, well, eleven weeks. But something strange happens when you have a baby: you suddenly have no time for yourself!

...This was a draft that I started in December. It has now been nearly TWENTY-THREE weeks since the birth of my sweet daughter. And this is proof that I really do have very little time for myself.

For the past fourteen months, my life has revolved around the life of another. Pregnancy, preparation, childbirth, recovery, and parenting have been the frontrunners of my responsibilities and consciousness. But it is a goal of mine to make time for myself and my dreams and interests, as well, especially as I approach six months post-partum. And part of that will be returning to writing on a (more) regular basis. On a scale of most successfully reincorporated activities to least, I've also been attempting to make more time for:

• cooking & baking
• reading for pleasure
• crafting
• massage
• exercise
• studying language
• traveling
• re-re-relearning guitar & ukulele

As I return to my writing, I'd love to use this platform as a place to share some insight on my new maternal interests, such as birth, breastfeeding, infant development, and parenthood. I'm no expert, of course, but in this village of motherhood, I hope I can share my voice.

Until next time (and here's hoping next time is not another year's hiatus),

Mama Meghan

Stressed and Blessed

Maybe you've noticed that I haven't written in three months, and never posted photos from our last voyage overseas. (Or, more likely, you hadn't noticed.)

Well, 2018 has been pretty real so far for Tony and Meghan. We had to change our short- and long-term goals half a dozen times and suffer through quite a few reality checks before I could summon the courage to sort out my thoughts and feelings as we enter April.

• In September, we returned home from Asia, not a care in the world. Our main priority was readjusting to our own culture, and we were definitely taking things one day at a time.
• In October, our plan was to go abroad again to teach, this time in Peru. We were busy interviewing and planning.
• In November, we got good news and bad news on the Peru front. The good: a job offer. The bad: the salary would hardly cover our student loan payments. 
• In December, we cut ties with our international dreams and decided that Tony would go back to school to get his teaching degree and I would find a university job to pay back the support he gave me during my master's program. Many more applications went out.
• In January, the world stopped spinning when I took three pregnancy tests and they all came back POSITIVE. Back to the drawing room, everyone!

Since then, we've a) decided to stay in Pittsburgh and find jobs to be near our families for support, b) been unsuccessful in finding jobs in Pittsburgh, c) expanded our search radius, d) had a lead on a university faculty position in Mississippi, and e) been offered the job in Mississippi!

So it looks like that is the final (tentative) plan. The challenges that will undoubtedly come with finding a new place to live (and a new doctor to see), moving in the Southern summer heat during the third trimester, beginning a new career and taking a leave of absence mere weeks later, and welcoming a brand new tiny PERSON into our lives... It can be daunting. But I know that this is an opportunity, not only for my own career, but more importantly, for our new family. The opportunities simply weren't there in Pittsburgh, try as we did to seek them out. So, we will move to where the job is, and we'll take on a whole new definition of the word "adventure."

Source: southernmiss.com

Source: my uterus

We'll be Home for Christmas

Oh, hey there! Long time, no see.

Many (or some, or none...) of you may have been wondering what's next for me and Tony. I wrote fairly consistently for over a year, and now have been silent for a few months. What's the deal? I'll let you in on a secret - coming home from our year abroad was tough. We've been doing lots of adjusting, and things are starting to be normal again.

Since we came home, we've been helping my dad at work, I've volunteered downtown for the American Lung Association and given a talk at our alma mater about teaching abroad, we've caught up with friends and family, celebrated Halloween and Thanksgiving, tried to hike 25 miles (and settled for hiking half of that), interviewed for a job in Peru, gotten our hopes up for it, and ended up turning it down. What's next for us? We're still not sure, but the picture is coming in a bit clearer now. More on that once the cards have officially been dealt.

As for now, I'm writing to you from Washington D.C. We came down here for a couple days to visit my bestie, and I've been pretending I'm back in Korea - we had Korean BBQ for dinner and bingsu for dessert, we visited a Korean-inspired café that serves lattes with artwork in the foam, and I bought some moisturizer at Korean skincare store Tonymoly. But another purpose of our visit to the District is that tomorrow we'll be on an early morning flight from Dulles on our way to Cape Town, South Africa! Since it seems we'll be stateside for a while (again, details to come...), we decided to gift one another an overseas vacation for Christmas. One last international tryst before we lead normal(ish) lives for a while.

Why South Africa? Well, for starters, it's summer there! They've got great diving, hiking, wineries, and of course, our friend Fallon lives there! We taught together overseas, but in March she left after 3+ years in Korea. Now we'll be seeing each other once more! Two weeks on the southern coast of Africa, and then we'll be home for the holidays, and maybe even ready for a white Christmas.

Frustrating and Magnificent: Beijing

When anyone asks what the last stop in our month-long journey was, I never answer "China." Sure, we visited Thailand, Vietnam, and the Philippines, but we stayed in each for a week or more. No, our last two days abroad were spent in Beijing only - and in such a vast nation, I can't possibly claim to have seen or experienced even a fraction of its culture. That said, our forty-eight hours in Beijing were a whirlwind of exasperation and wonder.

We would have loved to spend more time in China, to see more of what it has to offer. Originally, we had planned on spending two weeks there with Tony's parents instead of Thailand, but plans  changed. We still wanted to see at least the Terracotta Soldiers in Xi'An on our own, but when we saw the price of a tourist visa (hundreds of dollars), we opted for the more affordable way to make a pit stop in China: the 72-hour visa-free layover. China is very stingy and strict with their tourists: they questioned us heavily upon arrival at immigration; it was impossible to find Wi-Fi even for foreigners living and teaching there; and even in this tourist-magnet, capital city there was minimal spoken English. Really, we never struggled communicating until we reached Beijing. In fact, China kind of reminded me of the USA: geographically enormous, strong-willed, powerful, and puts foreigners on a back-burner. Who knew?

So, with our visa-free "layover," we had two days to explore. The plan: 1. meet up with my close friend and her boyfriend, who are teaching in Shenyang, a handful of hours away by train. 2. Explore the city together. 3. Go to the Great Wall.

Well, it was impossible to get in touch because even the hotel's Wi-Fi was unreachable for foreign phones. So Tony and I rode into the city hoping for a free connection at a coffee shop or restaurant. No such luck - we're not in Korea anymore, where Wi-Fi is free and accessible even on the subway. Instead, we spent an hour or two wandering around until we finally found a spot for lunch and internet. Thanks a lot, China.

Once we got in touch with Chelsea (of all social platforms, only Snapchat managed to function) over Kung Pao chicken and an enormous teapot, we made a plan to meet that evening for dinner. That way, they could resolve their Airbnb issues, and we were free to roam. Thank goodness we had bought a guidebook in Manila, because without being able to use our phones, we would have been helpless. So we kicked it old school, reading about which historical sites to visit, and pulling out an actual, physical map to get around. Archaic. 😜

Our first stop was Tienenmen Square. There were statues and structures, mausoleums and museums, but we resigned ourselves to a simple stroll past the sites - and a respectful selfie with Mao - before continuing on to the Forbidden City, which was humongous and incredible. They had converted this ancient site into a walking museum, preserving artifacts and temples in small rooms, palaces, and courtyards throughout its span of 178 acres. As you can imagine, it took quite a while to peruse! One last stop before dinner: the Temple of Heaven, aptly named, where sacrifices used to take place. The colors and architectural details at each of these stops were magnificent; each of the four corners on many of the square roofs was adorned with several miniature dragons in single-file, and the ancient marble carvings of dragons were weathered but still impeccable.

Ni Hao, Mao

A moat near the entrance to the Forbidden City

I loved this dragon statue. But can you see the line of mini ones that flank the roof's corner?

The Temple of Heaven before day's end

What a day! We had gone from stressed to impressed in mere hours. We had the best weather, too: clear skies, warm temp, and a nice breeze. Finally, we had escaped the heat and humidity of Southeast Asia, thank goodness!

The next morning, we met with Chelsea and Eric at a bus station, mini picnic in tow. The day was here at last, and it was bittersweet: our last day in Asia would be spent at the Great Wall of China. I couldn't think of a more perfect ending to our epic adventure than at a site as ancient, impressive, and well-known as this Wonder of the world. It was the culmination not only of our month-long voyage, but also our entire year abroad. It may seem cliche, but to me it was perfect.

After an hour-long bus ride and a private transfer that ripped us off, we spent a great deal on the tickets (but really, how much money would actually be too much to see the Great Wall?) and boarded a shuttle that took us to a suspicious chairlift high above the treeline. The Wall sat, sprawled across the pinnacle of the mountain range, formidable, until it disappeared over a peak or around a bend on either side.

This was the Mutainyu visit site, and we were so glad to have chosen it over Badaling, which is closer to Beijing, but therefore also much more crowded. There were still many visitors alongside us, but not too many where our pictures were being ruined by unaware strangers. It was a perfect day, and I can say that over the years of hearing how magnificent the Wall was, I was afraid it wouldn't meet my expectations. Alas, it surpassed them.

 

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly: The Philippines

Our last long stretch was to the Philippines, and after weeks of travel and hot weather, we were so ready for their world-famous beaches and pristine waters. But, our experience was different from our expectations.

Our first stop was in Manila. I don't want to waste too much time discussing our dismal two days in the capital. We stayed at a really crappy hostel that reminded me of a frat house; it had ants, questionable bedsheets, and Tony's favorite shorts got ruined after he set them on the bathroom counter because of the pure bleach that had been used to clean it (but hey, at least something was cleaned). The most interesting thing that we did in this city was watch the streets flood at nighttime, therefore getting trapped downtown and having to check into a hotel without our baggage. We also saw a historical church and ate some delicious donuts.

Maybe the prettiest thing in Manila.

Palawan

Manila was so unappealing that we decided to get to the airport five hours early for our flight to Palawan, one of the Philippines' most desirable islands. Fortunately, we were offered some empty seats on a different flight that was leaving three hours earlier than our scheduled itinerary, so we enthusiastically hopped on board. We stayed at what I call a hippie hut; it was basically a bamboo hut on the beach at a campground. The good: it was a chill atmosphere that offered a "family dinner" each night with delicious food. The bad: bugs, misleading beachfront, and the dirtiest bathroom we've seen (and we like to camp quite a bit). There wasn't much to do at this accommodation, and the mosquitoes were vicious, so we rented a mo-ped for two days and quickly learned how to drive it. What a blast! We took it across the island (a one-hour drive, impressive for a first-time trip) to a beautiful and fairly secluded beach with crystal-clear water. We also enjoyed snorkeling at Starfish Island (we saw three or four!) and Pambato reef (we saw a gigantic triggerfish!).

The Hippie Hut

View from Starfish Island

Sunrise on the beach

Tony, the mo-ped chauffeur

Cebu

We were really excited to arrive at this last island because a) we were staying at a comfortable Airbnb with a real bathroom and no bugs, and b) we were planning another scuba dive! While staying in the city, we enjoyed looking for nice places to eat, shop, and get coffee. We learned quite a bit about the colonial times and the Spanish influence in the Philippines. I noticed also the influence of the Spanish language on the local tongue, called Tagalog. We visited a church downtown where a simple, but old and famous, wooden cross stands, placed there nearly five centuries ago by Ferdinand Magellan.

Magellan's Cross

On the day of our dive, we woke up early and taxied to the bus station, boarded a 3-hour bus to Moalboal, and took a tuk-tuk to Panagsama Beach. When we arrived just after 1 in the afternoon, the dive shop where we had arranged our dive was quite unprofessional, we decided to cancel, find a different shop, and schedule a dive for the following morning. Now, this was supposed to have been a day trip, but there we were, checking into a hostel without baggage again. But every dollar spent is a vote, and we didn't want to support a business that had made us feel uncomfortable. So we spent the afternoon at the beach, had a candle-lit dinner by the shore, watched a fisherman brutally massacre an octopus by slamming it against a concrete slab, got attacked by a flying cockroach, and went to bed early. You know, normal stuff.

In the morning, we breakfasted and arrived at the dive shop by 8:30, very eager for our dive at Pescador Island. We loved it so much, we decided to do a second one at Sardine Run, famous for its cloud of millions of sardines so thick they literally block out the sunlight when you swim near them. And the most amazing thing of all: we saw three sea turtles! I was so excited I gasped and water leaked into my mouth. One of the turtles swam by me, only a meter from my face! It was incredible. We were happy and sleepy during the 3-hour bus journey back to the city.

This sea turtle changed my life.

A big, fat starfish

This famously huge swarm of sardines attracts divers from around the world.

Our trip to the Philippines was exceptional at times, and deplorable at others. I would never discourage someone from planning a trip to these islands; I simply wish we'd have planned our own trip differently. We would have skipped the capital entirely and chosen a different accommodation and excursions in Palawan. But truthfully, the Philippines was home to some really beautiful nature, and I think that with some work, it could make itself a desirable destination for travelers in the future.