Last year, I was about half-baked in my pregnancy, and I didn't feel like a mother yet. So this year was my first Mother's Day as a mama. I enjoyed snuggles, sunshine, and splashes with my sweet seven-month old. Mostly, though, my incredible husband made me feel special because IG can't quite put into words yet her love for me. Tony made me chocolate chip waffles, gave me a gift and wrote me a heartfelt note, and let me do whatever I wanted to do all day long. I had plenty of time to read and relax, and we went for a long walk in the sunshine, played in the baby pool, and enjoyed lunch out, where IG enjoyed her first ethnic food: baba ghanoush. She loved it! She's following in our footsteps quite nicely. :)
For the first time, this day was about me. Of course, moms celebrate other moms and grandmothers and other important women caregivers in their lives. But, as Tony put it yesterday, it was my day. For the first time in years, Mother's Day was a happy occasion once again! The past three have felt empty to me. I've been thankful to have a wonderful mother-in-law to celebrate with since my own mama passed in 2015, but no mother can replace your own.
I miss my mom every day. But since October, when I became a mom myself, I wish she were here more than ever. I wish she could share stories about how she raised her babies, and I wish she could give me her wisdom and support. I wish, more than anything, that IG could meet her Nana. I was lucky to see my mama become a grandmother to my nephew seven years ago, and she was amazing. But she has gained a couple more grandchildren since then that she hasn't - and won't - meet.
As a new parent in the age of digital photography, I take far too many photos of my sweet baby. But I can't stop myself - I look for pictures of myself with my mama, and there aren't enough. And there will never be a new one. So I keep snapping photos today.
I really don't mean to be a drag, and one of my great fears is that others will avoid bringing up my sweet mom to me in conversation. But I must acknowledge her absence, because that is all I have left of her.
Before I became a mother, the word "mom" automatically brought to mind my own mama's face. And that was painful to deal with after her passing. But now that I've got my own daughter, I hear the word "mom" and I think of myself. Motherhood is generational, and I'm thankful for that. One leaves us, and a new one crops up. The matriarchal circle of life, our identities are woven together. It's difficult to put into words the emptiness one feels upon losing a parent, but the new love that grows upon raising a child of our own fills part of that space. I've got a new soul to love and cherish, and I smile thinking of my love for my mom, hoping that my daughter will feel that same love for me some day.
Mother's Day is over, but I say, hug your mamas and tell them you're thankful for them and their love. Every day.
